Procedure to follow when a bat infiltrates your house

You may find yourself in a situation in future in which a bat has infiltrated your house. What should you do in such a situation?

The first step is to scream like a schoolgirl as the bat flaps around your head. This seems to be a vital first step in any eviction procedure. This should be closely followed by frantic crouching to avoid getting hit on the head by said bat. Something I now know couldn’t happen thanks to my later efforts to try and catch the bat in flight. That sonar thing seems to work. The bat didn’t fly into anything in the 20 minutes or so I shared a room with it.

Step three; isolate the bat in a single room and open the available windows in the hope that the bat will fly out. A forlorn hope it turns out. The bat simply flies around in a circle. Step four is to find a suitable receptacle to capture the bat in, and a flat piece of card to use as a lid.

Five. Watch the bat fly around the room you have isolated it in. Through a gap between the door and doorframe mind you, not from within the actual room. When the bat fails to take the sensible option and fly out the open window, you should proceed to the next step. Six. Quickly duck into the room and attempt to get the bat to fly into your receptacle. Step seven; fail miserably. Step eight; turn light out in room and wait for the bat to get fed up flying round in circles and land somewhere.

Step nine. Place receptacle on the stationary bat. This step may require several attempts. Be patient. Feel free to repeat step one if the bat takes off and flies at your head again.

Step ten. When you have successfully got the receptacle over the bat slide the cardboard under it to seal the bat inside. Eleven, close the windows opened when hoping the bat would fly out on its own accord. Step twelve; precede with alacrity to the nearest exit and, remembering to close the door behind you, release the bat as high up in the air you can reach.

Step thirteen. Have a stiff drink.

Step fourteen. Never open your windows again.

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